Fun with Words

It was an unspoken rule in my family while growing up that its perfectly acceptable to use vulgar language as long as you were passionate towards what you were talking about and didn’t substitute the “f-bomb” for “the.”  I’ve heard people throw around words like “ignorant” towards people that cuss in a fit of passion and to that I strongly disagree.  I believe it’s in a person’s environment or culture of the household that determines acceptable language.  It’s ignorant to assume the way you speak as the pure exception to the rest of the world.  If it’s used properly I’ve even learned that under high stress, such as a firefight when some soldiers freeze up, using foul language at a high volume gets people moving pretty quick.  I’ve literally seen crudeness and vulgarity save lives.

The following is in no way a typical person’s vocabulary nor do I use such language now as a civilian.  However, it’s a part of the vast culture that is the military.  If you’re in combat arms, you can’t escape it and you can’t be offended by it.  It’s not for the faint of heart.  Instead, it’s for people that can adapt to nasty situations.  Enjoy the ugly duckling of rhetoric below that will develop into an enlightening smile as you read.  You’ll probably even think about it the next time someone cuts you off in traffic or some teenybopper says “like” for hundredth time in a 30 second conversation.

Subliminal Messages – The Grunt to Civilian Translation

“Just start killing yourself.” – Do pushups.

“Beat your chest!” - Do more pushups.

“Charlie Mike.” – Coincides with the letters C and M.   We use this as code for Continue Mission.  If we were on patrol and something bad happened, but we were able to keep going, we would call up “Charlie Mike” on the net, or radio.  It’s all right to fall as long as you can Charlie Mike!

“This is a fuckcluster.” – Somebody better organize this real quick like.

“I’m about to smoke your balls off.” – I’m about to make you do a lot of painful exercises.

“Hey! Fuckstain!” – You just got caught doing something you’re not supposed to be doing.

“He was probably suckin’ on his momma’s titty ‘til the day he went to basic.” – That kid was seriously sheltered and has no clue how the world works.  Mentally weak.

“Guy.” – The mother of all subliminal insults… Saying “hey guy” or “look at this guy” when someone walks up is like calling that someone an inferior life form not of the human species.

“Zonk.” (Ever so quietly, almost a whisper) – Hide for the rest of the day.

“Hey Sergeant(SGT) Vance, how are ya this morning?”

“Peachy.” – Everybody run. Run far away. SGT Vance needs some alone time.

“Well, fuck me in the goat ass.” – To this day I don’t have the slightest idea what this means or insinuates.  Perhaps it’s a “Fuck My Life” moment and you know you’re going to lose.  That's when I would use it.

“Monday run day!”

“But it’s Tuesday, SGT.”

“So it’s not Friday?”

“No, SGT.”

“Then it’s Monday run day!”– It’s going to be a long morning and somebody will vomit.

“Manstrating.”  Even dudes have a “time of the month.”

“Congradu-fuckin-lations.” – You seem excited with your accomplishments, but guess what?  It’s your job!  Nobody cares.

“FNG.” – Fucking New Guy

“Mahogany.” – Yep, I’m surrounded by dudes in the middle of a patrol and I have a hard on while going commando.  Damn my daydreaming of Maxim Magazine chicks and friction.  A bit awkward.

Attention Getters

“Shut your cockholster!”- Stop talking.

 “Go suck start a .50 cal.” – Stop talking.

“Wash your mouth out with buckshot.” – Stop talking

 “Come here, you!” – I’m about to make you cry.

 “You cunt bucket.” – Go away.

 “Go play in traffic.” – Go away

“Don’t forget your puss pad.” – Don’t forget your sleeping pad.

“Get your dick beaters off those!” – Don’t touch anything!

Motivational Words

“Get the sand out of your vagina.” – Stop being a whiny bitch.

“Unfuck yourself!” – You suck at life.

“Slap yourself.” – You’re fired.

“Man the fuck up!” – Oh you’re hurting?  Welcome to the party, Sally.

“Tonight, we’re going to have a religious experience!” – I’m going to smoke you ‘til you start hallucinating.

“The walls will run with sweat.” – You’re getting smoked in a small room with no ventilation until condensation forms on the windows and cinderblock walls.  Yes, its possible.

Best Briefs – Weekend briefs were by commanders to warn us to stay out of trouble over the weekend while in the States.  Pre-mission briefs were given while deployed by the highest-ranking person in our platoon prior to going on a mission, detailing what to expect.  Usually all were several minutes too long, except for these two.

Best Weekend Brief

“Don’t fry your bacon naked.” – Think before you act… I think.

Best Pre Mission Brief

“Don’t die.” – It’s simple guys; just don’t die while on this patrol in Baghdad at the height of this war.  Easy, right?

You made it!  And this is just the tip of the iceberg people, but you get the point.  If you are offended, I do not apologize.  These are verbatim phrases that I encountered on my adventures.  While some are hurtful if they are directed at you, most of them are funny if they are directed elsewhere.  Now, go motivate someone to unfuck themselves.