Bored2 + Curious2 = Stupid2

            “That’s the biggest, hairiest, most colorful caterpillar we could find,” Williams said.

            “Alright, get the pot up to 50 bucks and I’ll eat it,” JT promised.

            “All we got is 15.”

            “Close enough.”

            A few of us had finished our land navigation early and decided to gather at the top of a moss-covered hill near Fort Knox, Kentucky during basic training to hide from those scary drill sergeants, or drills.  JT grabbed the juicy critter and held it in suspense over his mouth as his head tilted back.  None of us had seen entertainment like this since Private Sore-ass rubbed Icy-Hot on his balls for $12.  Basic training drove us to such extremes to pass time between getting smoked by the drills.

            “No, no, no!  Oh shit, ew, ew, ewwww!” we all gasped.

            JT smiled, chewed and swallowed what hoped to become a butterfly, but those dreams were cut short thanks to a bunch of bored privates.  This boredom killer of a ritual didn’t stop in basic.  It would follow me throughout my entire time in the army.  The only difference was that as privates became soldiers, money didn’t have to be the great motivator.

I’ll always say that I never met a dirt bag until I joined the army.  One in particular was a plus sized Puerto Rican named Soar-ass.  He had a hilarious lisp when he spoke.  Now to his credit he could somehow move his jellyroll-looking body real fast, but besides that he was only good for comic relief for the rest of us.  He was also going thru OSUT to be a Nasty Girl and I’ll never forget the day our drills told him that his unit was activated to deploy and he would join them as soon as he graduated.

“Soar-ass! Your Pennsylvania unit has been activated!” yelled a drill.

“Like, what do you mean drill sergeant?” he whined.

“It means you are going to deploy, buttercup!”

“Yes, drill sergeant,” and the panic set in.

Soar-ass didn’t join the army to deploy, which made us all very curious as to why he would enlist in combat arms during a time that our country was in two different wars.

“Guys I don’t want to go!”

“Then why are you here?” we questioned.

“To look good in uniform for my family to be proud.”

Yet another moment that everyone’s jaws dropped.  To look good in uniform.  You have to be fucking kidding me.  That was his mentality throughout OSUT; to just do the bare minimum to get that uniform.  We didn’t like Soar-ass much after that, so there was one night we got him to do something incredibly stupid.

I was in my room getting ready for lights out one night when I heard an awful scream from down the hall.

“Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!” screamed Soar-ass as he ran down the hall and into the cleaning closet across the hall from my room.

“What was that all about?” I asked my bunkmates.

I didn’t get an answer so we piled into the hallway to look into the closet only to see Soar-ass spread eagle with his pants down and the sink turned on full blast and aimed at his crotch.

“I put Icy-Hot on my balls,” he moaned.

The entire 45 man-platoon erupted into laughter.  I couldn’t sleep too well after that.  Sleep was something that just didn’t happen much during OSUT due to the training schedule or guys putting spicy cream on their nut sack.  You have to laugh at the little things.